Tales of Your Friendly Neighbourhood Orthodox Maami and the BOY

Its pouring here in Chennai. I've been gallavanting in the rain with great zeal and the following story unfolds on the fine evening that I zoomed into the compound of my house on a friend's bike, sitting placidly as a pillion rider and completely drenched. My friend and I walked into the house to find Mother and neighbourhood maami in deep, devoted conversation in the living room.
Topic of conversation: TTD channel and the Lord Venkateshwara of Tirupathi.
Maami (M): Very nicely they did the oonjal ceremony today.
Amma(A) Nodding vigorously : Yes, yes.
Maami(M): The closeup of the Lord is beautiful. What jewellery. So good that we get darshan at least this way. Who will go all the way at this age? (Loud sigh at the sad state of her health. Suddenly brightens up) You know that priest who stands there right next to the Lord? Supposed to be very corrupt. I think he got arrested also. But then you know how things are. He got released and now stands so close to Him.
On cue, Mummy shakes her head sadly.
Both look up as friend and I make our grand entrance. Maami's eyebrows shoot up at boy and girl walking in so shamelessly, completely drenched and smiling and laughing in the presence of elders. Mummy's eyebrows shoot up at my as-usual-perfect-timing. Friend looks very uncomfortable at all these eyebrows shooting up. I benevolently grin at everyone and walk inside, silently thanking God that I wasn't wearing a sleeveless outfit. (Tales of Neighbourhood Maami and the Sleeveless Outfit will be published shortly)
My friend stood there, debating on whether to continue through to the kitchen or turn around and run, or generally dissolve on the doorstep. I signalled to him to come through since the poor boy was soaking wet and needed a towel in the least.
I handed him a towel in the kitchen and both of us stood there along with my brother (studying at the dining table), eavesdropping on the conversation in the next room.
M (cautiously): Coming from outside o?
A (equally cautiously): Yes. They have a study group you know, preparing for exams.
M: Boy is a study friend ah?
A: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Writing exam together... (as an afterthought) only.
M: Oh I see. Looks Christian or Muslim, no?
A (uncomfortably): No no. Hindu. Only.
Pause in conversation. M seems to want elaboration on caste, creed, nakshatram, gotram of boy. A, who has no clue of any of the above of friend, wants to change the topic.
A: So, this priest you were talking about....
M cuts in. M: You know, recently only, I read an article that says more and more young girls are opting to marry their colleagues from work. Irrespective of caste and religion.
Brother at table grins at me and friend. "She's talking about you, honey. Study partner is a mere technicality in the story. He is your to-elope-with colleague."
Friend looks increasingly worried. I glare at brother.
A (from living room) : Oh, is it?
M: Yes, yes. This new culture is very bad. You really should not allow them (meaning me and friend) to come and go so randomly.
She seems to suppress adding, "And disappear into interior rooms with each other."
Brother at table, grinning some more: Should I say you are both here and not doing anything much?
Friend looks horrified. I punch brother.
A: No, no. It was only because both of them got wet in the rain. They had gone to study in another friend's house. He will go soon..
Friend in kitchen: Should I go now?
I shook my head. It was still pouring outside.
M: Hmmm. Be careful, ma. I am only trying to help you. We should never leave girls alone at this age. Best to get them married. Then they can start a family. She will be husband's responsibility.
Brother smirks. "I can imagine what a lovely responsibility you will be."
M continues: And you know, do tell her to wear salwars when she goes out with boys. These jeans pants and all can... you know...
Brother at table smirks more. "Jeans and all. Tsk tsk. Maybe you should tell her about those low waist jeans you saw the other day."
M is in full flow: See ma, I am only advising you because I know you so well. You are like a daughter to me. She is like my granddaughter. So many people in our community are misled by all these western things. I have seen so much. Look at these items numbers today. Did you see that one from Movie X? What and all they are doing. Chee chee.
Brother at table is laughing uncontrollably. "You guys want to do item numbers? I could find a suitable choreographer."
At this point, I decide to lead friend out. He looks distinctly nauseous. I give him my brother's rainjacket and parcel him out of the front door.
As I wave him out in the rain, I hear M say rather loudly: He was wearing something else when he came in. Did he change...??