Tales of your Friendly Neighbourhood Orthodox Maami and the Returned Children

Maami was in a black mood when she came over last Thursday. Her daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren had come back from the USA for good, thanks to the recession and the son-in-law's sudden realisation of the value of India. While Maami was happy to spend time with them without the constant prickling sensation of seconds ticking away to departure time, she seemed to be quite annoyed with the "Americanism" they had brought back and which they were now attempting to spew in her house.
She settled herself comfortably in her favourite chair in the drawing room and gazed sadly at our television set where someone was singing bhajans loudly and tunelessly. The camera kept focussing on the lead singer who had so much makeup caked on her, it seemed difficult for her to sing without her face cracking.
"They are watching some English film on our tv." Maami said glumly.
Amma made suitable sympathetic noises, though she was actually wondering if it was the same movie that my brother and I had been watching when she had wrested the remote control from our hands half an hour ago.
"I don't understand the movie." Maami said, even more sadly. "There are two policemen, I think one is good and one is bad, but it is confusing who is what and then more policemen keep coming and going and there is so much shooting and..." she shook her head, lost by now in her own explanation. "They keep talking on phones and they talk so fast, I cannot follow them. They all look the same also." Then suddenly something else struck her. "There is a girl who seems to like both the policemen." Maami seemed glad there was someone in the movie as confused as she was. "One of the actors is the boy in Titanic. He looks so ugly now."
More understanding noises from Amma.
Maami looked annoyed again. "And Ananya (her 12 year old granddaughter) keeps saying, 'sooo cute' whenever any of those policemen comes on the screen. But..." she looked thoughtful. "It might be the same person also. I am not too sure. But even then," getting back to the original theme, "I don't know why Savitri (her daughter) allows her to say such things. What so cute? Then again..." Maami was very confused. "Ananya gets even worse. Yesterday she saw a pair of sandals and called them..." she lowered her voice. "Sexy. For sandals. How can you use..." Maami shuddered at the horror of it all. "..that word for sandals?"
Amma tich tiched. "Would you like some coffee, Maami?" She asked, trying to distract the poor lady.
At this Maami let out another sigh. There seemed to be no topic that she couldn't relate her sorrows to and wax eloquently on. "Ravi (her 5 year old grandson) wants cold cappucino, not coffee. So I put the filter coffee in the fridge and then gave it to him, but he says he wants cream on top. That's not ice cream." She told Amma knowledgably, just in case Amma had had that thought. "It is whipped cream he wants. Whipped cream! But Savitri drinks only skimmed milk it seems. " Maami looked like her head would explode from all the contradictory information stored in it. "And then Ravi said he wanted some... teddy bears? To eat! I think..." she looked terribly unhappy. "They have become non vegetarian."
Amma smiled. "No, no. It is not teddy bears or non vegetarian things, it is gummy bears. They are only a kind of sweet. And they are available for vegetarians also. Even you can eat them. " She offered kindly.
Maami shuddered again and continued looking sad. She seemed to have made up her mind that it was all hopeless- her children and grandchildren were crazy and she was determined not to let anyone snatch away that misery. "You know when they came here four years ago, it was not this bad." Then she sighed and pointed to the bag she was carrying. "They went shopping today. And they bought..." She pulled out a blue top from the bag. "..This."
It was an outfit with spaghetti straps and had quite a few bows and straps running all over it.
Maami looked helplessly at it. "I don't even know which way is up!" She wailed, turning it upside down. "How do you wear this?"
Amma reached out and put the top back into the bag half afraid Maami would get more upset and half afraid I would spot it. "It is alright Maami, don't worry. These youngsters, you know, they get influenced so easily. Ananya will be fine, she is a lovely girl..."
Maami looked up, almost in tears. "It is not for Ananya, it is for Savitri!"
Amma was taken aback, but covered it up well. "Well, Savitri has to go out, no? She will wear this with a jacket, I am sure..."
From the next room, listening to the conversation, I grinned to myself. At least for the next few days, it looked like I could wear all my outfits in peace.