Blow your Horn....

I have to admit, I hate it. I hattteee people honking away to glory, sitting in their vehicles, when there is clearly no reason to do so on the roads. Especially when stuck in traffic. There is no way out, people get irritated, fume at each other and blow more horns. And traffic does not move. It drives me nuts.

Recently, I had the good fortune to sit right behind the driver's seat in the bus. While I almost became deaf, I got a chance to observe how, why, where and when the driver decided to honk.

And by my keen powers of observation, I found he did it EVERY- BLOODY- WHERE.

Progress from Mylapore to Duraisamy Subway:

• Bus stops at bus-stop. Sound horn. I am swept into the bus and find myself right behind the driver.


• Bus leaves the stop. Sound horn.


• Light turns red at signal. Screeching brakes. Sound horn to notify people behind bus that signal has changed.


• Bus is at signal. Short, sharp blow of horn. Driver is spitting on car next to bus.


• Light changes to green. Sound horn, we are chugging away!!


• Suddenly, mad biker cuts in front of us. Even before brakes are slammed, horn is pressed. Loudly, continuously for ten seconds. Useless #%$^^&! Driver yells.


• Horn is still being pressed in short jabs to express anger at mad biker. Also gives tune to expletives coming from driver.


• Signal again. Pretty girl crosses the road. Hoot hoot! Blow horn = how you doing?


• Argument between conductor and passenger. Conductor is charging Rs. 7 saying it is a deluxe bus. Passenger demands a Rs. 5 ticket saying some alphabet is missing from the board in front and hence the bus is not what is claims to be. Driver honks. Half turning, he joins in saying bus is deluxe. It doesn't occur to him that you can't bloody hear him because he wants to honk at each word.
• Bus stop again. As bus starts moving once normal passengers have got in, crazy youths decide to daringly (and stupidly) get on bus while it is moving. They nearly fall underneath it in the process. More angry honks from driver. Don't get yourselves bloody killed on my bus, you #%#$%#$^!

Put the above in a while loop with no condition. At Duraisamy Subway, I got down- stone deaf, unable to hear myself think. Now everyone accuses me of talking loudly.

I know whom to blame.

Politics, V-Day, Commissions - Part - II ..

After FB finally manages to get L off his feet and stop all the Fs from throwing their footwear, he decides to go report this matter to the party head. He thinks it is necessary to conduct an enquiry into this incident to see why L was not doing any background check for any of the couples. They could not ask couples of all religions to get married at the temple, no? And what about inter-religious marriages? FB himself is slightly confused about this V-day policy. It needed fine tuning, he decides.
Meanwhile, the opposition party (and incidentally the party in power) comes to know of the same incident. After sharing a hearty laugh over it and thoroughly enjoying the embarrassment of FB, they decide they need to hold an enquiry too. How could such an event happen? In a state ruled by them? These elements were taking the law into their hands, they proclaimed. Lawlessness is not the way envisioned by Gandhi, Nehru and...
An enthusiastic new party worker cuts in to say Civil Disobedience was Gandhi's idea. He wants to show off his knowledge of his leaders but is brutally put in place.
Are we still under the British? Comes one sharp retort.
Do you consider FB's party civil? Asks another one. Then you might as well join them....
No no, the party worker hastily says. Lawlessness is not the way envisioned by our leaders....
The Commission for Welfare of Women who Come Under the Influence of Parties Who Want to Marry Them Off also decides to conduct its own enquiry. How could women be treated this way? How could couples who want to marry each other finally do so? Come on, no one can have it that easy!
Finally the reports of all three enquiries are released. FB's party statement says: We, the Party of the People (who are old, married to someone we don't really like and can't stand the sight of young people in love and happy) have held a detailed investigation into the incident and find that the party workers who threw the chappals are the only guilty ones. They had no right to throw them, and hence they shall be suspended.
The party in power says: We, the Party in Power (who loved the embarrassment of FB and couldn't care less about the bloody incident) have conducted a detailed investigation into the incident and hereby find the guilty to be FB, L and the party. [Pause so that this amazing revelation can sink into the minds of the egaer, imaginary audience] They shall be apprehended at the earliest (to be read as some future date that will never come).
The Commission (for everything mentioned above) says: We (who are not clear on what the purpose of all these commissions is) have conducted a detailed investigation into the incident and found that the guilty party is the priest in the temple who conducted the marriage. His registration of it does not come under Section Infinity of the Blah Law and hence he is responsible for the utter breakdown of law and order in this incident.
The media goes berserk reporting all this drama.
I, despite being sleepy and tired, want to write about it.
B and G ofcourse, are still happily married.

Politics, V-day, Chappals and the Rest...

Boy B and Girl G are walking down the road, deep in conversation. Suddenly, leader L and followers F jump out at them.
L: What are you both doing?
B: Sir, walking.
L: Together? Where to?
G: Coffee shop, sir.
L (Angrily): Coffee? In one of those shameless ventures that promote young boys and girls sitting together and drinking?? When all the Indians in the rural sector are starving and dying and...
B: Sir, we drink coffee only. With Indian coffee beans.
L: Don't talk back! Are you both married?
B and G together: No.
L: Are you related? Brother and sister?
B: No sir.
L (smirking): You are friends?
Crowd also smirks. From the back, a chappal is hurled at B and G. Someone yells, "Friends don't exist!"
L decisively says: For walking around in the open, talking and pretending to be friends you shall now be married in the temple.
B and G look shocked. Before they can protest, they are whisked away to the temple. Priest P there quickly rings a bell, does arati- first for leader, then for the deity and pronounces B and G married. They are made to sign in the register.
Someone throws a chappal again. "Celebration of the marriage!"
B meekly says: Sir, I need to inform my parents now.
L is delighted. Now he can watch the slow torture of B and G. L: Yes, Yes. Call them.
B makes a call, and L and his F settle down to wait for the parents to come.
B's father arrives, and to L's shock, it is a senior leader in his own party.
Father of the boy FB: What is going on.
B: I am married, daddyji. L kindly did the ceremony. G is now your daughter-in-law.
FB looks from B to G to L. As realisation dawns, his face turns red. He roars at L: What have you done you moron? Do you know she is not even from the same religion as us? I have been fighting to prevent this bloody marriage!
L is dumbstruck at the sudden turn of events. He falls at FB's feet. L: Sir, I did not know. Sir she didnt tell me...
You didn't ask, G helpfully says.
From the back, for the third time, a chappal is thrown. It hits FB in the face. Someone yells, "FB ki jai!"
FB is furious. Stop throwing the bloody chappals, he howls. You bloody morons, the entire lot of you, this was a complete set up. #%#$^ the bloody bunch of you!
Followers are shocked at these expletives replacing the God's name that FB normally chants. They are so subdued they forget to do anything with the chappals.
L is sobbing at FB's feet, pleading and saying he is willing to hit himself with all the chappals thrown. FB is jumping around, literally hopping mad.
B and G take in the scene, and with satisfaction walk away, happily married.

Results, parents, competiton and more....

Exam results have apparently come out. Apparently because, as usual, the site doesn't load. There are the Blessed Ones (BO) who always get right through, and are currently being inundated with requests to check others' results as well. Student S1 is sitting nervously on his/her chair, rocking back and forth, hitting F5 every few seconds. Sibling S2 helpfully asks him/her to try proxy servers. S1 tries about 5 proxies, to no avail.
Finally, twenty minutes later, S1 get through to the results. Pretty decent, but he/she decides to send some papers for re-evaluation. What are results without re-eval? He/ she also checks scores of friends who have asked him/her to check on their behalf.
S2, meanwhile, runs around the house heralding the results to all in the family. Mother M lists the names of all the Gods she can remember and thanks them. Father F grunts at the score and asks where that puts S1 in the class. Grandmother GM wants to break a coconut for the Gods left out by Mother. Grandfather GF is content to listen to the radio and not care.
Phone rings.
It is the concerned parent of a high scorer. We shall call him/her PHS.
PHS : HS (his/her kid) scored blah blah. What happened to S1??
Parent P of S1 realises HS might be the highest scorer. P: S1 scored blah.
PHS makes sympathetic noises : Which subject? What happened?
P gives details. Then, to salvage some pride, P adds: S1 is sending them for re-evaluation.
PHS vociferously supports this decision. Then asks about associated students. PHS is trying to make sure his/her child has come first.
P starts getting annoyed and to escape, suggests their children talk instead.
S1 and HS now come to the line.
HS: Enna da/di? Any arrears?
S1: No da/ di. May send this and this for re-eval.
HS: Everyone else ok?
S1: Ya man.
HS: Seri, cool. I am going back to playing Counter Strike.
S1: Great da. Me too.
Hang up.
Standard disclaimers apply - Post is imaginary, characters are imaginary, doesn't apply to anyone I know, doesn't apply to parents of anyone I know, it is just a general take on parents who are more competitive than the kids.