Getting screwed the "correct" way..........

If you are wondering why software professionals spend so much of their time at office, its because they need time for what they think are "meaningful conversations that could improve productivity and quality." That actually translates into useless talk where you get screwed by the boss. The following is one such conversation. It was scheduled between the boss and me to evaluate my performance, key strengths and all those other jazzy aspects unknown to myself but which my boss had found out thanks to his keen observation powers.

Boss: Right, so lets take it from the top. What do you feel about the project?

Me: Well, according to me, this project has added valuable professional experience to my career graph. It has been a great learning experience, giving me a chance to learn not only about the technical aspects of the job, but also the business processes involved. It has....

Boss (hastily, seeing that I could go on in this vein indefinitely): Right, lets just move on to your contribution to the project.

Me: Being my first project, I would say I have learnt a lot. As a new joinee, I have contributed to the spirit of the team. Team spirit is vital and any team needs coherence and integrity....

I paused. Was I actually giving such gas? It sounded so tragically fake. I could definitely become a consultant to all aspiring Ms. Universe contestants, for giving such politically correct but utterly rubbish answers.

The boss actually looked pretty happy. Any intelligent soul would have by now called the mental asylum to book a permanent place for me there, but the boss seemed pleased.

Boss: In terms of value addition, how would you say you have contributed to the project?

Frankly, there was no way anyone could do any value addition at my level in the project. It was a straight forward scripting-test execution project and value addition seemed a strong word to use for anything we had done. I had a strong urge to ask him whether even he had done any value addition, but as that was not politically correct, I used that powerful tool I had discovered at the beginning of the conversation: Gassing.

Me: Process adherence.

Even the boss was stumped. Boss: What?

Me: I always made sure that the processes were in place. I believe for quality, processes should be followed.

Point to be noted: Processes is a very important term in the software industry. Just talk about keeping the processes in place and you have got your client/boss/colleague floored.

Boss: Ok. Now lets discuss your areas of improvement.

I muffled a chuckle. The first area of improvement would have to be how not to fart around.

Boss: I think your communication skills are very bad.

Me: (Amazed at this new development) Whaaat?

Boss: Yes, the way you move with the client is not satisfactory at all.

Right, like I am gyrating in sync with them or something.

Me: Have you received any negative feedback?

Boss: See, this is what I meant. Do you need proof for everything??

Me: No, but...

Boss: You always want to argue with everything I say. You never accept your negative points.

Oops. Sudden turn of tables. The messer became the messee.

Boss: It is a very serious issue. Communication skills are very important in this industry and you lack in them. I will be noting this and taking action.

Me (mildly): What action?

Boss: Can I explain everything to you? That is my business. You don't concern yourself with it.

Great now I wouldn't even be able to protect my ass when it was going to be whacked.

Me: Ok.

Boss: See, now this is the attitude I don't like. You never seem to take initiative. You just accept everything as and when I say it. There is no involvement from your side....

Me (Bewildered): Whaaaaattt.....

Boss: (Sighing) I have so many employees below me, I can't explain each and every statement to all of you, correct?

Me: Well...

Boss: You were hired because you are intelligent, yes?

I had serious doubts about that by then, but what the hell? I had to go with the flow.

Me: Yes....

Boss: Then you have to understand these yourself. Now moving on to your other areas of improvement....

I was still in shock. I did not quite understand where things turned right around and I was getting so screwed now. But thats how the game is played. You are always going to get your ass kicked. After all, the boss has more experience in that field, right?

I sighed as he lectured on. I would probably have to give up that consultant- to- Ms. Universe- aspirants job to my boss now......